It's 2017 and you're holding your head in pain asking , "Why? Why did I imbibe THAT much alcohol? And why is there a party favor stuck in the back of my underwear??". Well, the damage is done. Your brain's blood vessels that were dilated are now constricted, your blood sugar is low, you're dehydrated, suffered a night of poor sleep*, your bowels are likely inflamed, and the esters and aldehydes found in alcohol are left in your blood stream can be causing allergic reactions in people sensitive to them.
10: Eat a fried canary
The Romans believed that eating a fried canary would cure your ailment. Apparently, in their zeal for bacchanal, the little bird fried in oil with salt and pepper would soothe. Could Pliny the elder be wrong?
9: Eat a sheep's lung with eggs
The Greeks believed eating a sheep's lung with eggs would cure a hangover. Does this sound like a baaaaaad idea? I'm thinking, yep.
8: Hair of the dog
Having a little hair of the dog that bit you is actually a common mistake. Imbibing more alcohol will not help any symptoms, other than to temporarily distract your reasoning and deaden your nervous system. It does more harm than good.
Having a cup of joe directly after drinking will leave you an awake drunk. Conversely, a cup in the morning is actually beneficial in assisting any analgesics to get to your suffering brain and body tissues. A Tylenol and buffered aspirin can really take the edge off, but stick to the smallest dose. These will punish your liver as bad as the alcohol did and may upset your stomach.
6: Plain Yogurt
The active cultures in yogurt can assist your gut to convert foods to glucose and other simple sugars. These in turn will help to regulate your blood sugar levels and contribute to your well being. You have to actually like yogurt, however.
5: A lemon in your armpit
You don't leave it there. Just rub some lemon in your armpit before you go out on that binge. This myth comes to us from Puerto Rico, whose citizenry have the best smelling armpits in the world. Then again, Bono sang about it so it could be true.
4: Tea, with rabbit turds
Nothing cures a frontier hangover like some tea brewed with bunny poo, according the apothecaries of the old west. Cowboys needing relief would add prarie raisins to their morning beverage to eschew the pain. I'll pass on the second cup... and the first cup too. Care for a mint, ass mouth?
3: Sweat it out
In Russia and Scandinavia, they like to take a sauna and beat themselves with wet birch leaves. I know it sounds kinky, but birch leaves are far more gentle than acorns. This method actually helps the toxins out of your body through sweat, but the caveat is to jump in a cold lake after the sauna. This closes the pores back up and the brisk shot to the body will wake your ass right up too.
2: Irn-Bru or Sausages in soda
The Scottish, whose culinary endeavors give us the Haggis, also gives us the lovely idea of breakfast sausages cooked in an orange fizzy drink called Irn-Bru. Not as crazy as you might think, the boost of sugar is beneficial as well the cholesterol. The cholesterol in the animal fat helps relay serotonin to your brain, a "feel good" chemical.
Drink plenty of water while you imbibe alcohol, but drink it in smaller doses the day after. Water and time are the best cure for a hangover, but don't overdo the rehydration. You will be washing beneficial contents from your system before your body can regain normalcy.
"Do not drink the day before the morning!" - William F. Buckley