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Fart Theory
Why is it that loud farts rarely smell as bad as quiet ones? I believe the heat of a fart is a factor in smell as well. The hotter the farts, the stinkier they seem to be, as observed by my anus and olfactory nerves.
Then there is the volume of gas. I tiny, almost insignificant fart, released by accident while in line at the deli, CAN NOT be explained away on the slicing of cheese and meat. You just have to keep a straight face and walk convincingly to the bread aisle after snapping your fingers like you “forgot” something. Unfortunately, if the smell of decay will follow you to the said bread aisle, you have just become what is known as a “crop duster”, spraying the foul smell of your innards’ offal like a cloak of Black Death and having the same effect on children and the elderly as DDT to crop eating insects. Don’t look back, they’re dropping like flies.
Remember that a string of farts are usually the predecessor to a really big @!$%#, so get a move on before a movement makes a move on you, ruining that interview you were supposed to be at. Even if you had a chance to expel the offender before the nervous appointment, the imprint of its molecules WILL stick to your nice shirt and tie (or blouse and skirt) like stinky static cling causing you to wonder if you wiped enough and WHY OH WHY don’t we have bidets in America!? Okay, you’re probably thinking, “Really?”
Yes, really. Even though I’m kind of glad we don’t have bidets.
Why is it you could be in a totally empty restroom donating your breakfast to the national trust and nary a sound escapes your sphincter, BUT a soon a fellow deuce dropper joins the party in a stall right next to you, the LOUDEST damn noise shoots out of you, amplified by the shape of the bowl and blowing your shirt up over your face? Any bystanders in the restroom look back at the stall that now has a great cartoon sized neon sign over it with flashing arrows pointing to the guilty fart miester. All you can do is let out a nervous giggle or just ignore it like a scientologist (that just got hit by a bus).
Below is a compiled list of the most obvious places and times a fart will strike to peak out the em-bare-assed meter:
- Sitting on that paper in the doctor’s examination room (sounds like a wazoo kazoo).
- In line at the bank.
- In between the bookcases at the library (and it’s usually a loud one).
- On a first date, during the quiet part of the movie.
- Nearly every family function sit down meal (you have to explain why every one is laughing at you to Grandpa Joe because the batteries in his hearing aid are dead).
- During an orgasm.
- While showering (or sleeping) with your significant other.
- While in the pool (instant floatation device!).
- The checkout line at the grocery store.
- In an elevator.
- At the beginning of a very long flight, right after boarding and before “the speech”.
Some situations or scenarios to contemplate:
The “I thought I was alone” scenario:
Henry was working hard stacking some books and various sundries away. Suddenly he felt a discomfort and quickly tightened his gluteus muscles. Listening intently, he gently releases the hot offender from the Levi’s nether region when he is tapped on the shoulder by his boss…
The “I just couldn’t hold it” situation:
Helen places her order at the drive through for herself and the children (ages 6, 8 and 12). After doling out the beverages and burgers in the parking lot, she takes a bite of her deep fried chicken muffaletta sandwich, sips her diet soda and pulls into traffic to continue the 10 minute drive home (or so she thinks). A rumble from below the seat belt and the now eye brow raised and pie eyed Helen is thinking please no red lights, I can make it home. Just after that thought, the late bus from that “other” area school pulls a right turn into her lane and continues to stop every two blocks. Sweat begins to build on Helen’s forehead as the strain of holding back the mass of fumes builds. 15 minutes have elapsed. Oh my God! Do it for the children! The house can now be seen 1 block away, than WHAM! The unforeseen POTHOLE! Screaming children coughing like it was a mustard gas attack from WW1 and a very red faced Helen wondering if she needs to go wipe herself. The 12 year old texting, “OMG! You’ll never believe the horror…” to her friends.
Please feel free to write your most embarrassing situations concerning you flatulence in the comment section below, because we all need a laugh and farts are always funny. Just ask Mike Judge...
